I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
