I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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