new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
