I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
