I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize