dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
