you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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