God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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