Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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