dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
