I cockslap morals
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
