I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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