I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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