ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
