It's like God shit irony all over that family
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize