Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
