Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
