yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
