did you get engaged???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
