Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish I only lived at night.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
