Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
