Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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