a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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