1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
