in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the condom got lost in my hair
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
