I could make wine with my vomit
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
