Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
