Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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