Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize