Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
