would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
