I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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