Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
