why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
