Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
