I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize