This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pants are for mortals
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize