Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
