I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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