Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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