Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
