1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
