I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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