You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
