Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
