thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
