I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
