She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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