Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
