How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I need water and some morals
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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