Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
