It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
