I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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