Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
