He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
