He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
