Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
