I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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