I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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