Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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