your parents love me but you hate me
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
